A Highway Shoulder to Cry On: Music for Prague

This is just a random thought I wrote and I'd rather not lose and thought I might as well hide it here. It started as a formspring question and then snowballed into this.

Q: What was the best concert you went to?

A: Music for Prague 1968.
When I was in high school our Symphonic Winds played a piece called Music for Prague 1968.

It was a musical narrative of the spring of 1968 when a new national government swept into Prague and began instituting changes like allowing freedom of the press and freedom speech and a possibility for multiparty government. The leaders of the USSR feared this democratization so they started talks with the government of Czechoslovakia. When talks broke down the USSR and three other nations decided to invade with more than 200,000 troops. The results were bloody and brutal.

The music is designed to reflect the events in very literal ways. Oboes play Morse code. Trombones are meant to be air sirens. The entire third movement is nothing but percussion. In the music you can hear the chaos of the invasion.

Woven into Music for Prague 1968 is a melody of a folk song that is traditionally symbolic of resistance and hope. In the movement describing the chaos of battle and the brutality of the USSR invasion the folk melody is played on the timpani almost as a song of mourning.

It made me cry in a way nothing else had ever made me cry. It was a deep and inexplicable pain that made no sense so I tried to stop the tears and move on.

We all left the concert hall and as I was driving home I ended up in the wrong lane and had to exit and merge on to the highway. I was finally alone in my car and I had to pull over on to the shoulder of the freeway and put on my emergency lights because I was crying so hard I couldn't see or breathe and I didn't know why. The thought of people being shot as they tried to help people, of people being killed for wanting to be free made me physically hurt inside.

That was the first time I ever understood what a really well written and well performed piece of music can do.

Oxytocin Dreams and the feeling of her fingers on my face

I was asleep. It was a crazy dream. The end of the world was coming. We all knew it was coming but we couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.

I remember being a model and the guy I was working with was a complete ass and totally jealous that I could wear these pants he couldn’t. He was mad at me and was determined to get even. I think he may have had something to do with bringing the world to an end but I can’t remember. What I can remember is standing next to her looking at these magical pants and laughing about this guy being an ass. I remember her wide grin.

She lived in an apartment near the one I was living in. I don’t remember what hers looked like but I remember she lived there with a guy. I assume he was her boyfriend but I never actually knew or if I did I’m trying not to admit it. They were friends with a gay couple but it wasn’t safe to be gay so they were trying to be quiet about it.

When the end was coming they were going to run away. All of them were going to leave but I remember her next to me, holding my hand as we counted down the moments until the end of the world. There was a moment when we all held our breath and then, nothing. Nothing happened and we all jumped up and down because the world was still there.

I remember a party. It was huge. People were everywhere but what I remember most is carrying her on my back. I was giving her a piggy back ride through the party and I could feel her arms and legs wrapped around my body. I could feel her breath on my neck as she laughed. I could hear her voice as she squeaked in surprise. We passed a table with all of her friends sitting around it. I could tell she wanted to be with them but I never wanted to let her go.

I set her down and turned around to face her.

I remember feeling her fingers brushing the hair away from my eyes and tracing across my cheek. I remember feeling her hands on me. I remember feeling her touch me. I remember reaching out and rubbing one of her tightly wound ringlets of hair between my fingers. I remember how coarse the hair felt. I remember her looking down. I remember bringing my hand to her face and stroking my thumb across her cheek. I remember her looking back up and me.

I remember the feeling of her hands on me as she told me I was amazing and that I was okay and that I was going to do amazing things and that I shouldn’t give up or stop now. I remember her saying she did and always would believe in me. I remember believing in myself.

I remember pulling her into my arms and holding her and feeling safe and loved for the first time in weeks.

I remember waking up alone but feeling okay because I know she is somewhere quietly believing in me.

I do not feel safe or happy when I am touched or hugged by my family members but I felt so content and safe in her arms. I know those arms weren't real but this memory of her that I have constructed is enough to keep me going because I know that pieces of her are real.

With my world slowly crashing down around me, my world truly coming to a slow-motion end I needed to hear her voice comforting me but I couldn’t ask her because she does not understand what she means to me. Apparently her deep belief in me and confidence in my abilities managed seep into my subconscious enough that when I needed her she still came to me even though I couldn’t ask her.

I know that the memory of this dream is going to fade and it almost physically hurts to think about losing this moment but I’m so grateful I even got to have it if only in my dreams.

The Dots

 Redux. I know I did a post a while back about "The Dots" but I just thought I'd throw a new one out there.

It's been awhile since I dragged this theory out but I think everyone can use a reminder now and again.

There is a school of painting known as pointilism. The idea is that you can create a huge picture using tiny, individual dots of paint. The most famous of these paintings is "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte". Everyone knows it but few people realize that there is not a single brush stroke in the painting. The whole 6ft x 10ft canvass is nothing but a field of tiny dots. It's an amazing thing to see.

What if the whole of existence was a blank canvass full of empty dots, each of these blank dots representing an interaction, action, feeling, or thought? As we live our lives we slowly fill the canvass and create our own picture. Subtle changes in the colors and tones of the dots can change the picture from a Van Gogh to a Bosch.
What if each of us lived our lives trying to make each dot as beautiful as possible?
What if we all tried to create a beautiful picture of our lives and in turn made the pictures of other people's lives more beautiful?

It doesn't take a lot of effort to be compassionate or empathetic so what if we all went ahead and put in that extra bit of effort?

My life is largely dedicated to the pursuit of making each dot as beautiful as it can be and to making the dots in other people's pictures as beautiful as they can be. You can think it's hokey or stupid but I think it's making the world better one dot at a time.

wtf? moment brought to you by Ketel One

So I'm watching The Daily Show on Hulu and the commercials between the segments are for Ketel One vodka. I'm a vodka girl and have nothing against Ketel One but I was struck by how gender specific their marketing was. They made no mention of women in any of the three commercials I saw and all the ads focus exclusively on men as their subjects only using women as sex objects in passing.

I couldn't help but feel slightly unnerved that a brand would market itself as gender specific especially a brand of food/liquor. It just doesn't seem right.

Check it out...

Battle for the Sun

It's here!!

My favorite band in the whole of the world is Placebo. They have managed to hold that spot longer than any other musical act in my life. When I was 14 I discovered their album "Without You I'm Nothing" and felt a strange sense of auditory belonging. The words and sounds made sense in my twisted and confused world of teen angst. They have managed to stay contemporary with my life as I have changed.

Their sound has evolved greatly since they released "Without You I'm Nothing"(WYIN) and changes from album to album. Each new album has shown new levels of lyrical complexity and musical challenge. Their first album had a very raw and untrained sound but "Battle for the Sun" has a much more refined sound, so much so that the band seems more comfortable playing around with the musical structure of their songs.

The musical logistics aside, the lyrics have certainly moved from drug fueled crazy to clear messages and metaphors built surprisingly well. I've learned to not expect much from my lyrics but Placebo has blown me away with "Meds" and now with "Battle for the Sun".

If you have the chance you should listen to this album a few times. The first time you hear it you won't get the full effect. The more you hear it, the more you grow to appreciate the nuances and craftsmanship.

It's a great album from a great band. I'm psyched to see what they do next but for now I am more than happy to enjoy their latest work.

"Switching Sides Later In Life" a blog response

So there's a post up on Huffington Post about "switching sides later in life" and I can't help but feel it misses the whole point.



While I appreciate this post I also have fundamental issues with the idea that there are "sides" to sexuality. The inherent hetero/homo dichotomy is unfair to the vast majority of people who have attraction to both sexes, even if not on a major scale, but are pushed to ignore them in favor of a single sex preference.

The gay community is just as, if not more, guilty than the straight community in this regard. We inherently distrust people who openly identify as bisexual and force them to hide who they are so we feel more comfortable.

How hypocritical is that?

I expect that people are going to come after me for my opinions but I feel strongly that there HAS to be a safe middle ground where people are allowed to exist without labels of hetero/homo/bi or even man/woman just to make others feel more comfortable. As long as these categories persist the biases and discrimination surrounding them will continue to exist as well.

I understand that many people feel we are better with these categories and expectations but I genuinely feel that we would be better off simply viewing each other as "human beings" rather than man, woman, straight, gay, bi, christian, muslim, jewish, black, or white.

Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Art is relative

These are various photos I've taken over the years that I'm particularly proud of. They're not amazing but They're significant to me.

I like the way the only clear thing in the picture is Andrea smiling. Just a friend but a beautiful one.





My sister named this picture "Persephone" and I quite like that name.





I kind of feel like this photo explains my entire relationship with Fae. It's all blurry and distinguishing what's actually there and what isn't is almost impossible.








Allison was so amazing and beautiful and trying to capture that in a photograph was almost impossible. This was the closest I ever came.
I still miss her but I wish her all the happiness the world could possibly offer.


If you haven't seen the movie Cashback you totally should.

It's all about the dots.

My reflection and life philosophy.
Fair warning: I abandoned grammar some hours ago and am now going for broke.


I honestly loved this class. I know I dropped off the face of the earth halfway through and was kinda craptastic about regular upkeep but I still loved this class and I loved the chance to really examine something I see as on the rise and important- blogs in the context of activism.

I see the human spirit as having so much potential. My entire life philosophy is based on the painting "A Sunday on La Grande Jatte" by Georges Seurat. This idea doesn't make a lot of sense until you know what the painting is made of . The painting is made up of tiny individual dots of paint, millions of them. There isn't a single brushstroke on the canvas.

My theory is that life is a canvas and each of us is a blank dot. As we live our lives we fill our dots up. We can either have our dots be beautiful and contribute to the end result being beautiful or we can contribute to the painting being ugly. What will your dot look like? What can we do to make the dots around us more beautiful? What can we do to make the whole painting more beautiful?

I also feel that each act in our lives is a dot within our dots. Our lives add up to those things we accomplished and those lives we touched and those people we loved and were loved by. All of these things are part of the picture.

It's hard to create change more than a few dots beyond yourself but with blogging and the internet we are starting to reach a point where entire portions of the picture are able to shift quickly to being more beautiful, more loving, more accepting. The ideas and changes and words move quickly across the globe.

In this class I enjoyed reading as people grew and changed and became more comfortable with themselves as bloggers. I'm excited to see where everyone goes from here. The potential is just mind blowing.

I want to thank everyone for being supportive and amazing and really building a blogging community. It rocked and I hope everyone continues their blogs because I'll keep reading them...




PS: I apologize if "the dots" analogy got long winded and weird and incomprehensible. I'll try to explain it more clearly at a later date.

You guys rock!!

Badass Bits&Bobs

My first category is WebComics. The ones I list here are all drawn by women

1. DAR: A Super Girly Top Secret Comic Diary- The webcomic diary of a queer feminist and artist. Hilarious and brilliant.
2. Girls With Slingshots- A webcomic that follows a writer named Hazel in her many adventures in life involving relationships, drinking, a slightly retarded cat, and a talking cactus. It's much better than I make it sound.
3. Lackadaisy- The reason I list this comic is because the art is beautiful and the content is brilliant and well researched. It sounds nerdy but it's true and it's amazing for it. A comic about anthropomorphic cats running a speakeasy in prohibition era St Louis. Just look at the art if nothing else.

My next category is blogs

1. The Huffington Post- It is the mothership of blogging. An excellent and amazing source for progressive news and information as well as host to a massive list of A-List bloggers.
2. Life as an Underage Lesbian- I love following this blog because it's simply the life adventures of a young lesbian living life underage. It's well written and has some very good stories and insights.
3. Vive la Vida- This is the blog of a woman I worked with on the Obama campaign. I'm asking you to please check it out because it has her videos from her recent trip to Rwanda to help film a documentary there. It's amazing and beautiful and Ash is a seriously brilliant little lady. The videos are incredible.
4. Genderfork- It's very cool stuff about gender theory and gender queer etc.

Fun random things:

• Compatible Partners- eHarmony was forced to launch a gay dating site after losing a lawsuit. This is their new site.

• Whitehouse.gov- Our government went 2.0 and it's definitely worth checking out.

• How To Kill A Mocking Bird- It's a flash video version of a book report by that one kid in the class who only read the first four chapters of the book and then made the rest up. It's long but it's hilarious.

• The Rachel Maddow Show- Because I wouldn't be a proper fangirl if I didn't promote her

Gender is a light board not a switch

reading response to "The Gendercator"

When I walk into a dark room the first thing I look for is a light switch. On means light. Off means it's dark. There is no nuance to the lighting. In theatre we can have up to hundreds of lights with different colors and intensities. They can have moving designs. They can move where they are pointing on the stage. All of this information is stored on a massive board that looks like something you would see in a recording studio or Star Trek.

As a lighting tech I appreciate how a lighting design in and of itself is art. The changes in brightness and color and the speed with which the lights shift, the addition of movement, subtle shifts, all of these add up to a symphony of light. It sounds lame but it's so beautiful. Lighting is so amazing and beautiful and makes so many things what they are and no two lighting designers will design a show or a cue the exact same way. In theatre the lights vary for each person. Gender is the same way. There are more than two options in gender and people so often miss that fact. We are not all Barbies and GI Joes.

In reading about how the blogosphere responded to "The Gendercator" I noticed a split into two camps. One group was furious that the LGBT community would turn on its own members and the other group agreed with the concepts and felt that trans individuals were bringing unwanted masculinity or male-ness into strictly female spaces and that lesbians were succumbing to what males wanted when they chose to bend their genders.

This is what I was ranting about in the beginning: the accusation that people of alternative genders are sometimes not welcomed in "feminist" spaces because they are neither feminine nor masculine. There is almost always an accusation of bringing male-ness into female space when feminists argue against acceptance of transgender individuals. This pisses me off because feminists are arguing for the equal rights and protection of women but arguing that transgender indivudals do not deserve the same rights. WTF?
I think that's against the rules of logic.

I am constantly stunned by the amount of bias in a community of "outsiders" who want "equal rights". There is both a hatred of Trans people and of Bisexuals in the LGBT community. Which, I suppose, would make it the LG community. It's outright prejudice and discrimination and stuns me everytime I see it. I'm infuriated that my own "community," that "my family" would turn against me like this. I would like to not be pigeonholed plzthx.

I think the blogosphere has the ability and the obligation to expose this ugly discrimination in the LGBT community and help push for more acceptance and tolerance the way people did in reaction to "The Gendercator".



If a tool can be used for good then it should be used for good.

Wikipedia = Legit

blog response....?

When doing research for my response to the Dating a Banker Anonymous reading I stumbled across a blog entry about the use of Wikipedia in academic settings. My professors always make a point of telling our classes to never use Wikipedia. Most academics refuse to use it as any kind of source. Unfortunately for them the new generation of students have grown up wired and understand the benefits of making the knowledge of the world OpenSource.

The ability to build something like Wikipedia which now has sourcing and notifications if information seems dodgy, is utterly astonishing. By building it in the public domain and making it publicly accessible then all of a sudden the ability to instantly add new pop culture pheonmena, update information, add statistics, and tweak and finetune vast quantities of information instantly. How freaking cool is that?

I love this particular blog post because it addresses the four major arguments against using Wikipedia and effectively neuters them. It's worth a read.

The post is here at the Digital Scholarship in the Humanities blog.


In short: We Win!!!

Don't Ask Don't Tell: why institutionalized discrimination is STOOPID

blog response number... thing.

"Dan Choi, a West Point graduate and officer in the Army National Guard who is fluent in Arabic and who returned recently from Iraq, received notice today that the military is about to fire him. Why? Because he came out of the closet as a gay man on national television."

Dear Lord. What does it say about our country that we institutionalize discrimination to the point that we are willing to turn away ready, willing, enthusiastic, and amazing men and women from serving our country in uniform. And because of what? Because of who they love? Because of who they sleep with? ...that's some solid reasoning, right there.

After coming out on Rachel Maddow's cable news show on March 19, 2009 Lt. Dan Choi explained why Don't Ask Don't Tell is a bad idea, bad policy, and just generally negative. During the segment Maddow asks Lt. Choi if he could lose his job for coming on television and saying this. He admits that he could but stands firm that his position is both morally and legally correct.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

As of May 5, 2009 he was notified that

"sufficient basis exists to initiate action for withdrawal of Federal Recognition in the Army National Guard for moral or professional dereliction... Specifically, [he] admitted publicly that [he] is a homosexual, which constitutes homosexual conduct. [His] actions negatively affected the good order and discipline of the New York Army National Guard."

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

How is this fair? If he refuses to resign and essentially admit that being gay is wrong then he will be given a dishonorable discharge. WTF?!?! He's an Iraq vet and a Westpoint Graduate!!!! I'm so angry that our government has discrimination as public policy. I'm so mad that they are wasting money kicking good people out of the military, people who want to serve.

How is this right?

How is it right to make hate part of government sanctioned policy and therefore validate homophobia?

If you think about it, no one would have known about this story if it hadn't been picked up on the blogs. I'm still pissed but I'm glad that we're able to spread the word so much quicker.

Today...

As I was walking into my Anthropology final a girl in the class, out of no where, called me a "lesbian fucktard" for no reason.

Why is it okay to use a part of someone and twist it into hate speech?

It shouldn't bother me anymore but it does. I'm genuinely hurt and angry and exhausted.

You were so beautiful

So I dropped off the face of the earth, I know this. There has been a lot going on with finals and the difficulty of the summer. I always dread the summer because from the time I was 8 I have had people die in the summer. All four of my grandparents died in May or June each a different year.

This year was not someone I was related to but someone I admired and appreciated.


Kahlo Benavidez was two years ahead of me in school. He was one of the most openly gay members of the student body who paved the way for younger gays, dealing with the teachers' prejudices and the snide remarks, forcing the administration to sell couples' prom tickets to same-sex couples (something they briefly fought).

After highschool I learned that Kahlo was HIV positive. Rather than retreating into depression and denial he became an amazing and inspiring activist. I'm still blown away by how hard he worked and the things he accomplished.

On the 24th of April he took his own life.

It's still surreal and painful and confusing. It doesn't make anysense. The outpouring of love and sadness over his death is astounding.

I'm sorry he chose that path. I can understand what it's like to be staring down reality and choose that path. It's just so tragic that despite how much people looked up to him and loved him and admired him and respected him he still felt that death was the best option.


I'm in the midst of trying to finish the semester and sort out my emotions and maintain my own delicate balance between mania and depression. I'm struggling but I'll make it through this.



Kahlo, wherever you are, I'm sorry I never thanked you for everything you did. I hope it's easier, that you're happier, wherever you are. Around here you're missed greatly.

E-PWND: the new york times gets schooled.

(I've completely lost count of my reading responses. It's the one about the NYTimes and the Dating a Banker Anonymous group.)

When I first read about the NYTimes getting punk'd I nearly did a spittake. I found it hilarious that with things like blogs coming into prominence, even a company as vast as NYT was failing to watch their sources closely and double and triple check their authenticity. With media sources jumping at the first story they get they tend to skip the whole vetting process that used to go on.

This is the double edged media sword of blogging.

As much as I love and advocate for the blogosphere I also understand that it's very difficult to keep readership when the newscycle is going 24 hours a day 8 days a week (when you use that much caffeine a mystical 8th day appears in the haze of all that sleeplessness). This causes three things to happen.

1. sourcing get's dodgy- with less time people tend to vet their sources less and their reliability can be shattered horribly if their source turns out to be a complete liar. It's a gamble: if you win you break a huge story and everyone cites you, if you lose your credibility is gone and your readership is gone with it.
2. people go for the sensational- it's something that happens in all of life. In the game of blogging and reporting people are presented with a choice between the safe and consistent which can keep them going at a relatively low level for a long period of time or they can shoot for sensational and hope they make it big. It's like the difference between lighting a long burning fire or a short fused firecracker. With the long burning fire you get a little light for a long time but with a firecracker you can either get a spectacularly bright display that will get a lot of attention all at once or it can backfire and end rather horribly.

I thought it was interesting that while the NYT had the first problem the women of "DABA" had the second. The women were willing to go for broke and misrepresent their purpose in order to get a media boost. It seems to have paid off but with more negative backlash than they were expecting, I reckon. As for the poor NYT, they were expecting to be able to do this article with genuine interest and excitement but have come out of it looking like fools. I think it's probably worse that people pity them rather than just being mad at them.

If a blog want's to make it as a big blog it needs to maintain its credibility by ensuring legitimate sourcing. In the world of information the stakes are getting continually higher. Rule one of serious blogging or journalism or even argument says always make sure your sources are strong enough to back you up.

When "Sorry" isn't nearly enough: a reading response

(reading response to Baghdad Burning readings)

I feel like a horrible person for wanting to say that I viewed the lives of most Iraqis as less advanced than the average American. I wanted to believe that the tiniest bit of good had come out of the US presence. In reading

I think that's why blogs like Riverbend's are so crucial. So many people assume so many things. We let the Mainstream Media (known as the MSM in some blog circles) tell us what to think and give us hand picked facts. As much as I <3 href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908/">Rachel Maddow I know that she has editorial control over the facts and quotes being used.

That's the magic of the internet. suddenly people are able to go to the original sources, to see the tables and studies, to read the documents, and to draw their own conclusions from them. We are able to read accounts from people on the ground so we can gain new perspectives. We can see what it's like for a regular Iraqi woman but they're not the only people trying to survive. I think the flipside of this blog is something like "My War: Killing Time in Iraq" which is the war from an Army grunt's point of view.


I have a friend on the ground in Iraq right now. Some thirty miles outside of Baghdad he works his ass off every day and I'm proud of him for having the balls to willingly sign up to try to make things better in Iraq, his honest intent in joining. I'm not conservative but I have a problem with people who blame the guys on the ground just trying to stay alive.

I'm sorry that things are the way they are. I'm genuinely sorry to all parties who are suffering for it, the people of Iraq, the soldiers who have been wounded, the soldiers who are serving multiple tours, the people who have died on both sides of the conflict. I'm sorry that war has gone the way it has. I'm sorry that we invaded for empty lies. I'm sorry that we've started to build a wall to divide the city. I'm genuinely sorry for all of this but I can't help feeling that someone, somewhere in Iraq is better for Saddam not being in power.

That's why blogs like this are important: we are forced to view the war as not just two nebulous entities fighting in a way only visible on paper but as a person to person conflict. These are real people who are fighting for their lives. The world needs to realize that. The army isn't just GI Joes in straight lines firing their guns with no emotion or remorse at generic stereotypical Iraqi citizens dressed in traditional arab garb, toting rocket launchers. We need to stop missing the human element.



Stay safe Eric. I owe you a beer when you get home and you'd damn well better make it back to drink it with me.

Susan Boyle, the average person, and media cynicism: A blog response

I find it mildly amusing that I'm responding to a blog post from a blog in our class.
Liz posted on her blog, Women with Pants, about YouTube sensation Susan Boyle and her famous Britan's Got Talent audition.

I was planning on commenting directly on her blog but as I was writing it began to get out of hand and I decided to give my response it's own post over here on my blog.


I know we all enjoy the schadenfreude of watching Simon Cowell rip a less than amazing contestant but Piers Morgan can be just as horrible if not worse than Simon. I think that she should be so admired for having such courage and resolve in the face of such ugly cynicism.

Auditions are brutal no matter who you are and the fact that we enjoy the public humiliation of those who aren't wildy successful is somewhat sickening. I've worked in theatre and everyone willing to stand up on the stage and audition is braver than me. I have done some acting in high school but I never had the courage to audition for anything.

I genuinely wish the media would leave her alone in some ways. She strikes me as a particularly simple and practical woman. It drives me nuts that the media is pulling in every direction and wants more from her. They want the next level of awesome or awful. I dread that with so much exposure to the media people will start feeling more comfortable lobbing harsh criticism and outright insult at her.

What is it about our society that we require more and more?

What is it about us that we like The Starry Night better if someone takes a print, punches holes in the sky portion of the painting, and then backlights it so it's like a carnival! (I have seen it but I couldn't find it on the internet)
WTF?!

Why are we not content to just enjoy that people are generally remarkable whether we expect them to be or not and why are we only happy when they are remarkable in very specific ways?



I find it somewhat ironic that she chose to sing "I Dreamed a Dream". To be honest, it was the strongest I've ever heard it sung.

ManPants: the project that ate my life

So I finished my project about spending a day dressed as a man. Holy Cheese it took me over 10 hours to finish editing the video and I did a pretty shoddy job of it and then wrote one of the worst papers I've ever written. It was one of those wow-this-doesn't-make-a-lot-of-sense-but-I-don't-have-time papers. Awesome.

Here's hoping that 20% of my grade didn't just vanish into nothing.

To be honest the project became half for my soc class and half for this class looking at gender and how it's constructed and how it relates to me. It was incredibly important to me to take it seriously and give it everything I could.

Interestingly my parents and my sister literally laughed at me and my efforts and refused to recognize that this was personally emotionally significant for me. As a result I'm still mad at them and they're confused and annoyed. This should be fun.

In case you're wondering I'm very aware that I didn't manage to pass and I look really bizarre in the photo.

I decided to prepare it in the form of a video diary because I can get my thoughts out much faster that way. I was annoyed that youtube made me split it into two parts because of the length. It essentially comes out to 17 minutes of gender based navel gazing but whatever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you "ManPants: A Day as a Dude"!!

This just in:

My life has continued to explode even harder.

Turns out I have a test this morning in my govt 110 class on top of my papers in my soc 348 and govt 300 classes plus the major project in my 348 class. (At least I saved my major f*ckup until the last leg this year.)

still scrambling. More details at ten.

Violence and activism...

Reading response for week...5?

When reading "Threatened into Silence" I was particularly shocked by the graphic nature of the violence threatened. I always forget how astoundingly violent the world of activism can be especially in the age of Web 2.0 which allows for almost complete anonymity.

I commend Kim for her absolute bravery in the face of what can honestly be called terrorism. I appreciate that the web allows for people who are scared to take a vocal stand. It provides a place for people who are still processing to continue that process in a more vocal way without direct confrontation. Sadly it also allows cowards and seriously disturbed people to entertain violent fantasies.

I know what it's like to have anonymous individuals threaten sexual assault on you. I've worked in two different customer service call centers and there was one particular experience that emotionally scarred me. It involved a customer using my own name in a sexual manner and my not being allowed to hang up on him so I had to listen to him. It felt like I was sexually assaulted, verbally. My superiors did nothing. That was the last call I took.

In so many cases this verbal or written semi-anonymous abuse is tolerated because it "isn't real." As a survivor of verbal and psychological abuse by a teacher I will vouch that words are as real as actions if repeated enough. My teacher never touched me but I still have scars from the things that were said.

I'm so angry that a tool, a resource as wonderful as the web can be used as a place of hatred and violence. I think there is so much work that can be done to improve the emotional safety of the web and the security of personal information.

Until these things are fixed I think that bloggers like Kim who persist despite the threats and hatred are to be recognized as women of great strength.

I'll happily admit that I'm a huge weenie and would have bailed long ago were I in her place.