*a side note: my post on the readings won't be up until at least mid-morning due to my life exploding like a marshmallow in a microwave*
It was an ordinary weekend until I found this video on feministing. It's a documentary about three biological females who identify as genderqueer and their struggles in life. It may seem like no big deal but I remembered seeing part of this documentary with my mom when it first came on LOGO a few years ago.
My mom is great. She's loving and supportive and loves the gay community. When we were watching this documentary together she kept asking me if I was going to end up getting a sex change and that she didn't know if she could handle that. I said I wasn't and I wouldn't. Then I left the room and didn't finish watching the documentary.
This weekend I finished it and now I'm freaking out.
My mom said she read my blog post about my hair and was worried I was going to get a sex change. I told her not to read my blog because it's very personal. If I talk about something personal on my blog chances are I don't want to talk about it in person. Example: my gender identity. Because this is so personal if she's reading it and asking me about it in person I feel angry and betrayed. This is like my journal.
Odds are you haven't met me. You don't have any established ideas about who I am and what I should be. You have no real choice but to accept me as I am or move on. If you make me uncomfortable I can delete your comment or go to a different page or turn off my computer. You aren't going to grill me during a family dinner about the odds of me having male chest reconstruction surgery.
I'm not ready to say anything verbally. I'm just not. It's a coping mechanism: if I don't say it out loud it isn't real. I'm not ready for it to be real. I want to be left alone to sort this one out. This is personal. This is not a family matter.
Seeing that documentary just reminded me about all the stuff with my gender and my mom and the ideas of privacy in a world as public as the internet.
One of the biggest reasons the internet is great for spreading ideas and activism is that it's safe. There is no risk of someone throwing rocks at you or recognizing you from work and threatening to tell someone that you have beliefs others may not agree with. The anonymity of the net allows people to safely be who they really want to be.
Right now I need that.
So Mom, if you're reading this, please stop. Everything I write here is mine. My life, not yours. If it's important enough I will tell you when I'm ready. Right now I'm not ready.
Why is my gender suddenly an epic issue?
I'm gearing up for a major project in my Contemporary Sexualities class. I'm spending a day dressed as a guy.
Holy.Frak.
I'm both psyched and utterly terrified mostly because tomorrow I will not only be observing how the world treats me I will also be observing how I feel about myself presenting a masculine gender. The scary part? I might like it. I might hate it and never want to do it again but I don't know yet. The whole ordeal makes me feel as though I don't know myself. My little box I've lived in for my whole life could potentially be blown to bits. In the words of Stewie Griffin of Family Guy, "I don't like change!!" (I know Family Guy is horrible on a million levels but it makes me laugh and I don't feel like analyzing it right now.)
I'll let you know how it goes.
Wish me luck. I could use some moral support right about now.
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"It's a coping mechanism: if I don't say it out loud it isn't real."
ReplyDeletethis totally reminded me of one lesbian friends....she postponed telling her mom until just recently, and it was one of those things where we all knew she knew, but it wasn't true until my friend said it......it was kind of hard for me to understand, cuz i kept thinking it wasn't such a big deal....i knew that her family would accept her....but she didn't have that confidence....anyways, the way you wrote what you wrote helped me to try to understand what my friend was feeling....
regarding your experiment.....i think it's totally awesome....i would love to document it with photographs, but i guess i'm jumping ahead, since i haven't met you....please write about your experiece...maybe writing notes throughout the day would be handy??...good luck!
I would love to have some photographs!
ReplyDeleteI need some help with that. Unfortunately I've managed to procrastinate like a fiend! Project is due on thursday.
I'll probably just take the photos myself or have my sister or a friend take them.
I'm Kate but I'm considering going by Taylor (my middle name) as it's a unisex name.
Taylor is a good name. It's my uncle's middle name too. (So definitely unisex)
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear how your project goes... I've done male parts in plays (and been very flattered to be told I "passed" as a guy) but this is another order of magnitude entirely.
Have you read that book about the woman who spent a year disguised/living as a man? Sort of a gender version of “Black Like Me.” I think it was called “Self-Made Man.”
And if you haven’t already read “Fun Home” by Alison Bechdel you totally should. I can loan you my copy.
Great!!!
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