Blog Response 3: blogging bipolar for the females

I believe most people have their own brand of crazy and mine happens to be Bipolar II with a mix of other lovely things including Ovarian Cysts and Fibromyalgia. Why am I telling you all of my medical problems? Because sometimes the best cure is a really good blog.

After looking around at various male oriented bipolar blogs I decided to see what technorati could find about blogs that included the words "women" and "bipolar" the results? Not much. At this point I turned to Feministing and discovered the joyous wonders of The Trouble with Spikol, a blog by Liz Spikol about her struggles with life, mental illness, bipolar disorder, and mops. Feministing featured one of her YouTube videos in a post about "Mad Pride" several months ago.

I love what Spikol has to say about life and bipolar disorder because it is what I live every day and being bipolar is sometimes a very, very lonely existance. The advantage to having resources like this on the internet is that they allow me stay within the comfortzone of my corner of the couch while allowing me to reach out to the world. Not only does Spikol blog about her own life she also talks about medications, treatment options, and the realities of ECT or electro shock therapy as it's better known.

I particularly appreciated her post on her recent move to a new apartment talking about how she was coping with the massive change: "Dealing With Life? Yes and No". Does it say anything particularly profound? Not really, it's just nice to not feel alone in struggles like this. I also think it's a huge help to have a resource that keeps tabs on the new information that emerges about the effects many of the psych meds used to tread bipolar disorder have such as her post informing people of a new required label for certain meds including Lexapro, Cymbalta, Prozac, Celexa, Paxil, and others.

I've come across blogs about many things such as PTSD and Post-Partum Depression but this was the first really good blog about being a female with bipolar disorder or really any mental illness that I've found yet. It's brilliant.

My Hair = My Gender Identity

Right about now someone reading this blog is saying wtf? And to be honest I completely understand where they're coming from.

It's hair. It grows. You cut it. Other than styling it to look one way or another what possible effect could your hair have on your life?

I can't speak for other people but for me it turned out to be a huge piece of who I am and my gender identity. I didn't realize just how huge until today when I was having difficulty coming up with a good way to style my hair so my sister recommended that I style it a certain way which feels particularly femme: the front half of my hair plastered down and the back a little spiky and teased. It's still short and still too butch for my mom (but what isn't?) but it felt wrong.

My hair felt wrong and it bothered me all day. I felt physically uncomfortable because my hair didn't match how I feel about myself, about my gender, about my sexuality, about how I feel about how I look.

I've spent a lot of time over the past few months thinking about my gender and who I am. This is probably because I'm in a Contemporary Sexualities class that addresses gender within sexuality but there have been a lot of other things. Needless to say I've been looking for resources to help me sort out exactly who I am or come to terms with not knowing the answer.

In this quest I have come across two invaluable tools.

• The first is the gender pioneer Kate Bornstein who authored the amazing "My Gender Workbook" which I feel should be required reading for the world. It pushes people to completely re-evaluate the way the gender dichotomy works and how we exist within it. I consider that to be somewhat profound.
  
  As I learned about Bornstein I wanted to read more of hir work and sought hir out on the internet and discovered ze has a blog! It's updated sporadically but the observations ze makes are well worth the wait. http://katebornstein.typepad.com/
  

• The second resource I discovered was a random blog I found through a Google search, The Sugarbutch Chronicles. Authored by Sinclair Sexsmith, the observations about gender from the perspective of a butch lesbian versus someone who is transgender or non-gendered are a brilliant reference. I will warn that gender is not her only focus. The blog can be very sexually explicit and involves reviews and discussion of sexual topics. It's definitely an 18+ blog but that doesn't detract from it's brilliance.

Without these two blogs I would undoubtedly be wandering around with my hair in an uncomfortable ponytail not knowing why I was unhappy with the world.

It turns out it starts with my hair.

Infinity and beyond

The way the web is built completely blows me away every time I try to really wrap my head around it. It's like trying to think about the size of the universe and then something beyond that.

I'm going to throw down a HUGE g33k reference now and invoke the japanime films and cartoon series "Ghost in the Shell" based on the manga of the same name. One of my favorite aspects of the GitS (Ghost in the Shell) universe is their conceptualization of the future of the web. It's all very sci-fi and bizarre but the gist is everyone has the capability to link directly to a massive net via a neural implant referred to as a cyberbrain. There is a visualization of the net that is shown in multiple episodes and consists of many linked minds sharing ideas and information. As a complete G33K I find these images strangely moving and beautiful. My real point in bringing up something as bizarre and obscure as GitS is that we have no tangible proof that the web exists, that it connects people across continents. It just does.

Think about that for a second. There is something that is a near living entity as it depends entirely on living beings to create and update and change it. It connects millions of people around the world and it just works. It is never the same from instant to instant. It is music and visual art and movies and arguments and manifestos of every variation and breaking news. That little icon on your desktop gives you access to almost the entire world. This may not seem like much but when you're someone in need of a community to belong to and be accepted into then it is everything.

I am Bipolar II. It's the less severe sibling of what people normally think of when they hear the word "Bipolar." Interestingly I had more issues coming to terms with being Bipolar than I did coming to terms with being a lesbian. I spent a years struggling with mental health and then my diagnosis. It wasn't until I discovered a web community known as "The Icarus Project" dedicated to providing people with Bipolar Disorder resources about treatment options, outlets for creativity, support in difficult times, and information in general. It was through this community that I came to understand that having Bipolar Disorder doesn't mean you become a disheveled homeless person screaming at a trash can outside of McDonald's the minute you have a manic or depressed episode. It gave me the confidence enough to own my illness and start doing something about it. And the community is still there anytime I need them.

It's not just me. It's women who've had abortions or transgender kids or activists or women who are pregnant or transgender individuals who are pregnant or people living in Gaza.

One of the reasons I enjoy the term "the net" is because if you fall a net will catch you and many times the internet provides the information and resources to help you save yourself. Not always, but often.

In using the web and blogs in particular people aren't limited to sharing a message or an idea with just the people in their community or people they call or the people they can get to read a pamplet or news article in a paper. People have the means to organize movements across countries and around the world using just an idea and some web savvy.

How crazy is that?