Oxytocin Dreams and the feeling of her fingers on my face

I was asleep. It was a crazy dream. The end of the world was coming. We all knew it was coming but we couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.

I remember being a model and the guy I was working with was a complete ass and totally jealous that I could wear these pants he couldn’t. He was mad at me and was determined to get even. I think he may have had something to do with bringing the world to an end but I can’t remember. What I can remember is standing next to her looking at these magical pants and laughing about this guy being an ass. I remember her wide grin.

She lived in an apartment near the one I was living in. I don’t remember what hers looked like but I remember she lived there with a guy. I assume he was her boyfriend but I never actually knew or if I did I’m trying not to admit it. They were friends with a gay couple but it wasn’t safe to be gay so they were trying to be quiet about it.

When the end was coming they were going to run away. All of them were going to leave but I remember her next to me, holding my hand as we counted down the moments until the end of the world. There was a moment when we all held our breath and then, nothing. Nothing happened and we all jumped up and down because the world was still there.

I remember a party. It was huge. People were everywhere but what I remember most is carrying her on my back. I was giving her a piggy back ride through the party and I could feel her arms and legs wrapped around my body. I could feel her breath on my neck as she laughed. I could hear her voice as she squeaked in surprise. We passed a table with all of her friends sitting around it. I could tell she wanted to be with them but I never wanted to let her go.

I set her down and turned around to face her.

I remember feeling her fingers brushing the hair away from my eyes and tracing across my cheek. I remember feeling her hands on me. I remember feeling her touch me. I remember reaching out and rubbing one of her tightly wound ringlets of hair between my fingers. I remember how coarse the hair felt. I remember her looking down. I remember bringing my hand to her face and stroking my thumb across her cheek. I remember her looking back up and me.

I remember the feeling of her hands on me as she told me I was amazing and that I was okay and that I was going to do amazing things and that I shouldn’t give up or stop now. I remember her saying she did and always would believe in me. I remember believing in myself.

I remember pulling her into my arms and holding her and feeling safe and loved for the first time in weeks.

I remember waking up alone but feeling okay because I know she is somewhere quietly believing in me.

I do not feel safe or happy when I am touched or hugged by my family members but I felt so content and safe in her arms. I know those arms weren't real but this memory of her that I have constructed is enough to keep me going because I know that pieces of her are real.

With my world slowly crashing down around me, my world truly coming to a slow-motion end I needed to hear her voice comforting me but I couldn’t ask her because she does not understand what she means to me. Apparently her deep belief in me and confidence in my abilities managed seep into my subconscious enough that when I needed her she still came to me even though I couldn’t ask her.

I know that the memory of this dream is going to fade and it almost physically hurts to think about losing this moment but I’m so grateful I even got to have it if only in my dreams.